Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
