The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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