Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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