my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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