I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
