you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
