My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
