I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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