Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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