he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
