At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
God I need to hump something, right now.
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