Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
