my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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