i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
