I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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