Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
