Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
