I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
