and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize