Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize