Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
