threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
