My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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