Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
