he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
