there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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