....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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