It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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