Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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