You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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