What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
