She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
