i don't like sucking hair
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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