Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Couch. On fire.
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