I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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