Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
