Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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