There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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