Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
