I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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