the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I think my fart just growled at me.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
