yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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