i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
