im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
pray to the hookup gods
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize