Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Randomize
