Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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