hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm always down for nudity.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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