Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize