Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
