he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
