So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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