I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
