I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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