everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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