so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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