chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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