I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
