got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
