I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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