my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
