please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
